Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
