i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wish I only lived at night.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
