She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's blow job season.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
