life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
