the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
