Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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