Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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