Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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