My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
