Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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