Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
