have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
