it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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