I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
