Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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