We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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