There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
