Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
