I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
