i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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