remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
