Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
