last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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