Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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