No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
