i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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