Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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