He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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