Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
