I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
