i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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