I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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