You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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