He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
