I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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