just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
