he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
