Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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