I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
