Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
