I smell stomach acid.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize