If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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