God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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