my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
