MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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