He disabled his match.com account in front of me
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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