You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
