I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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