tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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