No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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