he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
