Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
