She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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