Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize