If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
