I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
