gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Everclear isn't food dammit
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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