i already hear my dad disowning me
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
