I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize