Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
