I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
