I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
